Everyone around me knows that I have this thing with architecture and interior since high school. I hate drawing and I hate the idea of me drawing even more, but there’s something magical about architecture, the building, the facade, the exterior, and the interior that always fascinated me. God knows how much I hate numbers more than anything but I took science class anyway on eleven and twelve grade when I’m supposed to be in social class. It’s because I really want to choose architecture or design interior in university and to do that, of course, you need to come from science major and not social major.
Oh, the thing I do for passion.
And let me tell you something: the first year on science major feels like hell to me.
I failed in chemistry, math, and physics. I did the remedial, took an extra class outside of school, and even asked a friend to help me study. From all the subjects they had on science, biology was the only hope. I was good at it, I like the subject, and the teacher loved me. She even asked what I want to do after high school. And when I said architecture, she blurted out a little sigh and said: “You’re so good with biology, why don’t you take medical school instead?”
I remember I just put a little smile and didn’t answer her question.
Final year in high school was the hardest. I try my best on excelling every subject, end up as the top 10 in class, and trying to love math or physics as much as I can. I spent every minute I had to do try-out, solving a lot of questions on some online test, or discussing the subject I didn’t understand with the teacher from my learning institute. It works because my self-confidence started to grow and I believe I could pass the university test.
And I did pass the test on SNMPTN.
But not on the major I desperately want. I got the third major (I took IPC test btw): Indonesian Literature. A major that I put without a second thought, after Architecture and Architecture Interior. All of it at the University of Indonesia.
Looking back at it now, me being so brave at choosing architecture as a major on the university, knowing that I can’t even draw, bad at numbers, and have no idea what I was going to learn, is really memorable. I’m willing to pay to get that kind of courage again in life.
I failed and yes I learned it hard way. Just because you worked so hard on something doesn’t mean it would automatically happen. Sometimes the universe is being a bitch and will slap you hard right on your face.
But inner me said, “Well, maybe the universe wants you to try a little bit harder.”
And my rational head said: “Or maybe it’s just didn’t meant for you.”
I never imagined myself being a literature student or being a writer, but I do love writing. So, even though I failed on getting the architecture major, I never regret my choice to take a roll on literature major. I still love architecture, heck I love it so much, but accepting the fact that it wasn’t meant for me is easier now.
Probably because deep down, I know that I just love the idea of me creating outdoor spaces worth being in. Deep down, I realize that I’m not capable of being the architect and working with the blueprint or numbers on daily basis. Deep down, I understand that me admiring all the building and space built by other people are enough to give me joy.
Now, four years after graduating from university, sometimes I caught myself thinking the what-if: what if I didn’t fail? What if I took the test again? What if I try a little harder? How’s life gonna be if I end up being architecture students? Where am I now? Am I so close at achieving my dream—being an architect or even an interior designer? And most importantly am I happy?
But hey, that’s life. Shit happens and we need to learn to get away with it. Accept it, move on, find another joy. Sometimes you have this passion but you gotta realize you have zero talent on it but that’s okay. Enjoy it as much as you can.